Baba Vanga.
Procura essa mulherzinha no Google.
Era vidente.
Ô, se liga. Não era macumbeira, não.
Era vidente.
Das boas.
Não daquelas que você vai quando desconfia que o marido tá xuxando o biscoito em outra xícara. Nem daquelas que lê cartas numa mesa cheia de miganha de pão Pulmann.
Na-ne-ni-no-não.
Essa era porreta.
A vidente era búlgara, cega, mística e curandeira.
Baba previu com exatidão o fim da União Soviética, o desastre de Chernobyl, a morte da princesa Diana, os ataques de 11 de setembro e a eleição de um presidente negro nos Estados Unidos.
Essa bicha era boa.
Tem umas previsões muito loucas.
Segundo ela, em 2023, a órbita da Terra vai ser alterada.
O comunismo vai dominar o mundo em 2076 – graças ao bom Deus estaremos todos mortos.
As pessoas vão virar Robôs em 2111. Fico imaginando todo mundo igual. Tipo essas moças que fazem harmonização facial. Todo mundo com a cara da Pablo Vittar misturado com Gretchen.
Em 2288 teremos uma guerra em Marte.
Chegaremos ao limite do Universo em 5076.
E seremos extintos em 5079.
Porra. Tá de sacanagem?
Arredonda pra 6.000 pelo menos.
A desgraçada só previa coisa ruim.
Ô mulherzinha pé frio da porra.
Pois é.
Baba já morreu.
Mas deixou uns presentinhos pra nós.
Previsões.
Só quizumba, pra variar.
Olha só: para 2022, entre muitas coisas que fariam você pular da janela agora, ela disse que teremos uma invasão alienígena.
Juro por Jesuscristinho.
Meus Deus.
Justo no ano da Copa?
Poderiam deixar para o próximo.
Na boa, nem me assusta.
Deixa vir.
Esses caras não aguentam uma variante Beta.
Ele arregam só de ver como é que gente se trata no whatsapp em ano de eleição.
Os caras vão pedir substituição.
Certeza.
Eu também tenho as minhas previsões que gostaria de compartilhar com vocês.
São mais otimistas.
Em 2022 teremos 12 meses e semanas divididas em 7 dias.
Todos os domingos serão após um sábado.
Seu horóscopo vai errar quase tudo.
Os meteorologistas, também.
Se você comer pão, vai engordar.
Se não comer, é capaz que isso também aconteça.
Vão lançar algum filme de super-herói para que adultos que não tiveram infância nem brincaram com Falcon apareçam fantasiados na fila de ingresso.
Vão morrer pessoas famosas.
Alguns sertanejos. Certeza.
No enterro ouviremos alguma música, de fundo, em que o sujeito leva chifre ou enche a cara.
O Santos não será campeão carioca nem a Portuguesa Santista vencerá o Brasileirão.
Não poderemos usar a ponte para ir de Santos à Guarujá.
O pedágio, a gasolina e a cerveja sofrerão reajuste de preço. Pra mais, claro.
Por fim, alguma polêmica tipo “Ciclano furunfou com Beltrano” trará discussões na web e naqueles programas chatos de TV que colocam criancinhas para cantar – e que ficam parecendo anãs – um dos desclassificados vai chorar.
Acho que é isso.
Fiquei com dor de cabeça.
Que estejamos aqui em 2022 para falar mal dos outros.
Feliz Ano Novo.
Deixe uma resposta
Want to join the discussion?Feel free to contribute!
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The Lao People’s Self-governing Republic is located in the depths of the Indochina peninsula. This is not the most unblock and developed state on the planet, though, and there is a gambling sedulousness there, although it is very specific and risky.
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